The gods are the gay people that live in my phone

Sometimes I kvetch about how boring I find fantasy pantheons that are just Greek gods with a bad coat of paint. Sometimes I've blogged about it.

Guys do you want to hear about my setting's unique pantheon? My god Warfrith is the god of both war AND peace isn't that interesting?

The next time you sit down to start writing a list of 10 gods and 1 evil god, stop. Don't do that. Do this instead.

Think about your RPG friends that aren't in your immediate campaigns. Maybe they live out of state. Maybe they work third shift. Select 3-6 of them. These are your setting's gods. There might be other gods elsewhere in your world, but these are the local ones that form the basis of the major religion(s). 

(Prerequisite: You must have 3-6 RPG friends. If you don't have any, come join the His Majesty the Worm Discord.) 

Think about something you know about them. What is their job? What are their hobbies? What is their user name and pfp? These are the gods' spheres of influence.

Take the letters of their name and rearrange them, spell it like Jolly Old England, or write some fantasy gibberish with similar phonetic tones. These are the gods' names.

Look at your campaign map. Put temples, fanes, and wild altars to these gods everywhere. A city has one god as a patron: put their main temple there. Put a desecrated altar to one of your gods in a dungeon (the players can cleanse it). Put a Pantheon - a Temple to All Gods - on a high mountain or remote island. 

When your players encounter a temple to a god, they may make an offering and petition the god through prayer. Write these down.

After your game session, text your friend. Tell them what the player offered them and what they prayed for. Ask them what they think would happen.

Take their suggestions and action them in your world. You don't have to tell the players that their prayers were answered. Perhaps they'll never connect the prayer to what happened on account of your friend's advice. But gods work in mysterious ways like that.

Two Haunted Ruins (Middle-earth Hexcrawl)

My colleague Warren of ICastLight was kind enough to send me a copy of the MERP module The Haunted Ruins of the Dunlendings. 

MERP modules can be a little hit or miss, but I thought two of the three adventures were pretty good! Of course, being persnickity, I wanted to inject some modern OSR theory into the dungeons. So I took the opportunity to go ahead and stat these out for Lore, my Lord of the Rings Adventure Retroclone, and expand the Middle-earth Hexcrawl into this as-of-yet uncharted region.

As such, I present to you, two haunted ruins.

86.98

CABED ANGREN. A small Gondorian mining town in the shadow of the White Mountains, supported by about ten farming homesteads in the surrounding valley. Although too small to have an inn, the town hosts one of Gondor's three Juggler's Colleges (the others are in Pelargir and Cobas Haven), which has a guest house. The River Morthond flows on the east of the region; a stone bridge allows passage into the Vale of Erech.

✦ - OFTEN HERE: 1. Forlong (man - velvet chaperon, mercantile, alderman) lost two brothers to the bandits encamped at Minas Anghen (85.99), 2. Duoervis Cleg (man - old & fat but surprisingly nimble, childishly witty, master juggler) wants to prove that his Juggler's College is superior to its sisters in loftier cities, 3. Audrey (woman - cow-eyed, frank, goodwife) is willing to rent out a spare room for 5 copper/week, but won't put up with any funny business.

! - RAIDERS OF MINAS ANGHEN: Eriel (woman - almost-violet eyes, haughty, noble) is gifted with foresight, and is interested in Minas Anghen (85.99) as a home of past seers. She has disguised her status as a noblewoman while researching the history of the tower, which is currently held by a company of raiders. She knows that the old seer who dwelt at Minas Anghen possessed much magic treasure, and she's not sure if the raiders have discovered it or not. She will pay the common burglar's price and give a simple map of the layout of the tower in exchange for first pick from any treasures recovered.

★ - A burglar who pays 12 silver tuition and spends six months of intensive study at the Juggler's College gains the following art:
Juggler: Gain a +2 bonus on all Subtlety tests related to sleight of hand. Additionally, you treat falls as if they were 10' shorter.

[Credit: MERP - Haunted Ruins of the Dunlendings]

85.99

MINAS ANGHEN. A tower fortress on the shoulders of the White Mountains. Its name means "Long-eye Tower" in the Common Speech, and is sometimes named as such by the folk of Cabed Angren. Once held by local lords, the last legitimate resident was Niniel the Seer, who died of plague 100 years ago. It is now occupied by a raiding company of bandits hired by a disinherited Pelargir noble.

(6) - SEER'S GHOST: The ghost of Niniel the Seer haunts the mountain paths that lead to Minas Anghen. She can also be seen standing, impossibly, on top of the Long-eye Falls. She will try to lure heroes to rid the tower of the occupying bandits by pointing, pleadingly, towards the tower. She will be attracted to those carrying treasures that is Haunted.

Approaching Minas Anghen triggers a location-based adventure.

The Bandits
There are ten occupants in total; nine raiders and a young woman they've pressed into service. As they are defeated, mark through their names in the list.

Coerba Nine-Fingers, "The Bandit Prince" (man - braided thinning black hair, sardonic, bandit captain)
Sunil the Snake (woman - lisp, fiery, Coerba's woman)
Hirgon (man - dandy, casually cruel, bandit lieutenant)
Vagor (man - piggish, odious, bandit)
Pwyll (man - hawk-nosed, meticulous, bandit)
Dagnir (man - boss-eyed, out of countenance, bandit)
Gorlim (man - drooling, lecherous, bandit)
Dirhavel (man -bushy-bearded, bully, bandit)
Treva (woman - white haired child, sullen, thrall)
Gorghiric (man - haunted, hard drinking, shaman) *

* Alone among the bandits, Gorghiric doesn't use bandit stats. Instead, user sorcerer stats to represent him. Although not a servant of the Necromancer directly, he has lost his mind studying dark things. He can attack with a spell of fear and summon illusory phantasms, if not drunk.

What are the bandits doing?
The bandits sleep during the day; a random pair will be on watch duty at any point. During the night, each bandit has a default room where they will be (until an alarm is raised). Roll on this table to see if there are any changes to this default behavior:

1. Sunil is in the Presence Room (area 9), sitting in mock judgement to settle a disagreement between Vagor and Pwyll. Gorghiric is drunk in his cell, insensate.
2. Coerba is sparring with Hirgon, Dagnir, and Dirhavel in the garth (area 2). Sunil is discovering the purpose of the orbs on the rooftop (area 18). Gorghiric is in the kitchens (area 4) with Treva; he has confused her with his daughter and is weeping.
3. Gorghiric is speaking with Coerba in his sitting room (area 13), trying to convince him to let him perform a human sacrifice to appease the dark powers. Dagnir and Gorlim are searching the tower for Craun, a bandit who went through a portal in the Room of Doors (area 15) and became lost; they swear they can hear him crying out sometimes.
4. Sunil is browbeating Vagor, Pwyll, Dagnir, and Gorlim to help Treva with the cleaning in the kitchens (area 4). Gorghiric is discovering the purpose of the orbs on the rooftop (area 18).

The Outer Structure

1. Gates: Heavy wooden doors bar entrance to the courtyard. They are open at night (so the bandits can come and go as they please) but barred during the day.

2. Garth: The central courtyard is weedy and overgrown. There are two wells, an enclosure for horses, and a henhouse. There is a single bedraggled chicken.

• Two Wells: One of the wells drips into a rushing river and produces clear, cold water. The other drops down into the secret prison (25).

3. Hallway: A hallway to the servant's quarters.

4. Kitchen: A large, rustic stone kitchen with two hearths. It is in a state of disarray: kettles, cleavers, unwashed pots, old bread. Treva, the bandits' nineteen-year-old thrall, works and sleeps here.

5. Dagnir and Gorlim's Bedroom: A bedroom with beds and two locked chests. Dagnir and Gorlim are usually here.

• Chests: Dagnir's chest contains 21 copper pennies and a bottle of fine red Belfalas wine. Gorlim's holds 16 copper pennies and a book, Tales Behind the Cotton Curtains, which contains bawdy pictures.

6. Dirhavel's Bedroom: An untidy bedroom strewn with eight bottles of wine (three empties), three longswords, and a poleaxe. A locked chest sits at the foot of the bed. Dirhavel is usually here.

• Chest: The chest contains several woolen tunics and a leaking bottle of oil for cleaning swords. The chest has a false bottom that contains a purse with 75 copper pennies and a massive gold chain (worth 5 gold).

7. Vagor and Pwyll's Bedroom: An odd couple's bedroom: half tidy, half squalid. Vagor and Pwyll are often here, arguing.

• Searching the room: Under Pwyll's mattress is a golden headband set with green tourmalines worth 16 silver. Under Vagor's bed is an old boot with a gold ring (worth 1 gold) hidden in it, as well as various apple cores, wine bottles, chicken bones, etc.

8. Stables: Five horses are bedded on old leaves. The horses are:

• Stubby: An old nag. No tail. -2 Morale.
• Stubborn: An old nag. -2 Morale.
• Frello: An old nag. Bites.
• Swiftfoot: A good piebald horse.
• Prince: A good bay horse.

The Tower

9. Presence Room: A black oak throne set on a central dais dominates this room. Eight beech chairs line the outer wall. A huge tapestry with an abstract, Arabesque pattern hangs at the back of the room.

• Throne: The throne conceals mechanisms that control traps in this room.
  • A foot pedal in the floor drops the portcullis in the entrance to the tower.
  • A button in the left armrest opens a 10' x 5' pit in the floor that drops into an underground river that eventually cascades down Long-eye Falls. A Strength Δ8 test is allowed for a burglar to grab the edge of the pit. Falling in is almost certain death.
  • Both Coerba and Sunil know of these mechanisms. If the company is captured, Coerba will hold a mock trial for them in this room and use the floor traps against them.
• Tapestry: The tapestry conceals the door to area 10.

10. Dining Room: A seven foot long oval table of oak. Two doors afford exits: one leads to a privy; the other opens onto a stairwell at one end and a door into the kitchens at the other.

11. Hallway: A window lights this narrow corridor. A privy (unkeyed) is at one end.

12. Hirgon's Bedroom: Fine quarters. A silver mirror with a jade frame (15 silver) hangs prominently on the wall. The bed has a purple satin quilt. There is a locked chest. Hirgon is often here.

• Chest: The chest contains fine wool tunics and heavy silk surcoats. There is a purse containing 32 silver pennies and a green glass jar containing 5 doses of marigold salve (prevents infections).

13. Coerba's Sitting Room: A pleasant room with cushioned benches and carved applewood chairs. Trinkets (worthless) decorate the hearth. A painting of a dwarf forging six keys hangs on the wall. Coerba is often here.

• Painting of a dwarf: This painting has a trace of magic set on it. A burglar wearing the Seer's Ring sees the rings as being hyper-realistic and may remove the six keys from the painting. These keys open the chests in the Seer's Vault (area 27).

14. Sunil and Coerba's Bedroom: Fine quarters. The curtained and canopied bed has draperies of velvet green, embroidered with gold; half is missing because Sunil made a cloak of it for herself. Chests of drawers hold an extensive collection of fine Gondorian clothing. A bear skin rug lies on the ground. The fireplace is carved with stone roses. Sunil is often here.

• Bear skin rug: Under the rug is a trap door that covers a shallow compartment. Opening the trap door activates a trap. Inside the compartment are:
  • 105 silver pennies, bracelet of silver with garnets (10 silver), necklace set with sapphires (9 silver), a jar of madwort (a poison that addles the victim), 8 mirenna berries (heal 1 damage each), a cut sapphire, a gold circlet set with adamant (magical; acts as a helm when worn), and the Box of Panes (see below).
• Trap: Four crossbow bolts are fired from the ceiling; they make four Attack +8 versus the burglar that opened the trap door.
• Stone roses: Pressing a hidden button on the stone roses disarms the trap.

Box of Panes
This magic item controls the behavior of the Room of Doors (area 15). None of the bandits have worked this out and are rightfully cautious about experimenting with the magic items of this place.

The Box of Panes is a wooden box with nine compartments, arranged 3 x 3. The center compartment is empty. In the other compartments are colored glass cubes.

When a colored glass cube is placed in the center position of the Box of Panes, the correspondingly-colored door in the Room of Doors opens into a new location.

The cubes are:

• Black: The door opens into darkness. Those who pass through it are sent hundreds of feet deep into the earth; instant death.
• White: The door opens into a white light. Those who pass through it are suspended, as if in a changeless sleep. When the cube is moved out of the central compartment, they reappear in the Room of Doors.
• Blue: The door opens into the Wine Cellar (area 23).
• Green: The door opens into the Seer's Vault (area 27).
• Yellow: The door opens onto the Roof (area 18).
• Orange: The door opens into the Baths (area 22).
• Violet: The door opens into the Library (area 16).
• Red: The door opens exiting the Gate (area 1).

15. Room of Doors: This strange chamber takes up an entire floor of the tower. Six doors are equally spaced around the room. They are each different colors: black, white, blue, green, yellow, orange, violet, and red.

• Doors: The doors are controlled by the Box of Panes (held by Coerba and Sunil in area 14). If the Box of Panes's central compartment is empty, each of the colored doors open into a mist. If entered, the victim is transported to the Secret Prison (area 25).
  • Box of Panes: If the appropriately colored cube is placed in the Box of Panes's central compartment, that door opens into a new location. The other doors still transport victims to the Secret Prison.

16. Seer's Library: A spacious and ornate library, orderly but weighted with dust. Shelves full of old books and tomes line the walls. A writing desk sits in the south of the room. A painting of elven women gathering herbs hangs on the wall.

• Note: This room can only be reached via the Box of Panes and the violet door in area 15.
  • Windows: The room's six windows are one-way glass—they are coated with a silver paint, ithilcaid, that permits viewing from inside but not outside.
• Books: The books are obscure tomes written in Grey Elvish cataloging foretellings, prophetic verses, and symbologies. If studied for a month, a burglar may learn Seer's Lore. If sold to a Gondorian mystic, each would be worth a ducat.
• Desk: The desk contains a normal complement of writing tools: ink-horns, quills, sealing wax, parchment, sand, etc. Drawers contain a ring of keys and a book titled Gilrhuin's Tower.
  • Ring of keys: These are keys to the mundane doors of the tower, including the secret prison.
  • Gilrhuin's Tower: This book was begun by the Seer Gilrhuin and continued by adopted heir, Niniel, whom he adopted from an orphanage in Cabed Angren. The book explains the working of two magical treasures: the Box of Panes and the Seer's Ring. Towards the end of the book, Niniel expresses her desire to donate the contents of the "Seer's Vault" to the orphanage she spent her early years in.
• Painting: This painting has a trace of magic set on it. A burglar wearing the Seer's Ring sees the herbs as being hyper-realistic and may pull six uses of sweet sorrel from the painting.

17. False Door: The stairway ascends to the fourth floor and comes to a landing; the stairs continue upwards. The interior of the stair shaft and the stairs transition from wood to stone. The door on the landing has a poem written on it: "The library within is for neither man nor elf / seek the knowledge inside of yourself."

• Door: The door is a false and opens to nothing. Attempting to open the door triggers a magical trap: all weapons carried in hand erupt into flame. Their bearers suffer 2d6 damage.

18. Rooftop: An open colonnade surrounds the top of the tower and supports the roof. A stairwell winds around the central chimney, which leads up to a basin for a signal fire (18a). Between each column is a pedestal overlooking the crenellations topped with a viewing orb.

• Orb: There are twelve orbs in total. Each is a magical seeing stone that activates after about a turn (10 minutes) of concentration. They permit sight in a 30 degree arc, and lets the user view up to 30 leagues with the clarity of a spyglass at both day and night.

The Halls Under the Garth

19. Storeroom: A hallway stacked with supplies.

• Supplies: Recent additions from the bandits include: 20 sacks of oats, five barrels of wine, 8 cured hams, a sack of carrots, some boards, a saw, a hammer, and other simple construction supplies.

20. Gorghiric's Quarters: A damp underground chamber. A sleeping pallet is set in one corner. An altar is set up in the center of the room: a table overhung with a cloth, on which black candles drip wax. Gorghiric is often here.

• Gorghiric: If he hears the company coming, he will try to frighten them away with phantoms of disturbing images: headless corpses demanding retreat. If the company persists, he will ambush them with his dagger.
• Altar: Hidden under the altar is the skeleton of Niniel the Seer. Gorghiric discovered her near the secret exit in area 23. He has not told the other bandits about this. On her skeletal hand, she still wears the Seer's Ring.

Seer's Ring: A mithril band set with an adamant.

• Once a day, the ring can be twisted on the bearer's finger while they ask the question: "If I do X, will Y happen?" The ring will glow softly if the answer is "Yes."
• Once a week, the ring can be twisted on the bearer's finger while they ask the question: "If I do X, what will happen?" The ring will show the bearer a vision of the answer.

21. Well Room: A wide stone basin filled with mountain spring water which flows from a mouth in the cavern wall and out through a drain in the bottom. An inscription carved on the wall cavern reads: "Harrowing the path, narrow the way. Hide your treasures where no man strays."

• Drain: There is a secret passage reachable only by swimming down the drain, into a water-filled channel that leads to area 27. This is a Strength Δ12 feat to accomplish.

22. Baths: Two basins in a stone chamber. One has a continuously flowing stream of icy mountain spring water. The other is a large tub with a spigot. A fireplace beneath the tub can be used to warm the bath.

23. Wine Cellar: Mostly empty wine racks line both the north and south wall. On the east wall, there is a painting of a fly trapped in a spider web. A cold breeze blows through the room.

• Painting: There is a secret door behind the painting.
  • This painting has a trace of magic set on it. A burglar wearing the Seer's Ring sees the painting as partially transparent and can perceive the secret door behind it easily.
• Searching behind the wine racks: Behind the southern wine rack is a concealed door that leads into an exit onto a mountain path.

24. Hidden Passageway: A hallway. The east door is made of metal and locked.

25. Secret Prison: A pulley apparatus drops down from a hole in the ceiling. A not-quite-rotted corpse lies near the metal door.

• Pulley: It is connected to a well in the garth (area 2). It is used to drop food and supplies to a prisoner held here.
• Corpse: This is Craun, one of Coerba's gang, who went through a portal in the Room of Doors and found his way here. The bandits could hear him shouting, but could never determine where his voice was coming from. He died of thirst. He is carrying a falchion and 26 copper pennies.

26. Cell: A smaller cell, containing a rotted straw-filled mattress and latrine hole. The cell has an iron grate door (currently open and unlocked).

27. Seer's Vault: A carved stone chamber that contains the wealth of the Seers of Minas Anghen—the wealth of more than 500 years. There are six oak chests standing in this room. Each is locked (but not trapped). The ghost of Niniel the Seer lingers in this room.

• Note: This room can only be reached via the Box of Panes and the green door in area 15 or by swimming in the secret passage in area 21.
• Ghost: Niniel the Seer wished to invest the treasure of chest 1 to the Foundling Home in Cabed Angren, where she spent the first part of her life and was adopted by the seer Gilrhuin. She died before she could make this a reality. As a ghost, she will beg the company to fulfill this for her. If they do not, the treasures of the vault become haunted.
• Chest 1: 12 bags each containing 30 silver crowns.
• Chest 2: The Bearing-bag of Breca (can hold up to 7 slots of items in a single slot).
• Chest 3: The Bracers of Blyga (Of Archery, grants +1 on attacks with bows) and a necklace of clarity (roll 3d6 and take the best 2 dice when rolling to resist confusion and hallucinations. Additionally, you automatically identify phantoms as illusions).
• Chest 4: Axe of Armor Slaying (removes 1 from an enemy's Defense bonus from armor when succeeding on a Critical instead of a normal Critical effect) and the Bracelets of Iorn Fegic (when worn, your fists are like maces but attack with -1).
• Chest 5: Eagle brooch (of adornment: +1 bonus to any temporary magical blessing from Songs of Power and similar sources, and of grace: you take 1 less damage from singing Songs of Power per round, to a minimum of 1) and a belt of soft tread (+1 bonus to Subtlety maneuvers to move silently).
• Chest 6: This chest contains:
  • 3 ingots of silver
  • 3 ingots of gold
  • 5 diamonds (adamants)
  • 2 sapphires
  • 12 lesser jewels (moonstones, moss agates, tourmalines, leucoasapphires)

88.97

SETMAENEN. A mound of earth raised over a grotto spring surrounded by seven standing stones. This was once one of the calendar temples of the Dunlendings. Today, there is an aura of fear on the place.

Those with Dunlending Lore know that, of old, this was a place of healing on Midsummer's Day, but was cursed by the Dark Lord out of jealousy that none should be worshipped but him.

Approaching Setmaenen triggers a location-based adventure. Italicized text is included for the GM's benefit and shouldn't be told to the players unless they have an appropriate lore.

1. Circle of Stones: The earthwork mound is ringed by seven standing stones. There is an entrance (area 2), cut into the mound. Next to the entrance is an evil-looking statue.

• Stones: These stones were part of the ancient Dunlendings calendar system: they seem to have a star motif. They depict periods of time demarcated by which constellations are visible in the sky. On one stone is an illustration of a picture of a woman (representing the moon) walking a circuit of 29 steps. The 7th, 8th, and 9th steps are marred.
• Statue: A squat statue of a humanoid with a leering bull's face. An evil will lives within the statue. It was erected by Sauron in the Second Age to end the worship held at this site.
  • Entering the circle of stones: As long as the statue is possessed by the spirit, every burglar entering the circle of stones takes 15 - (2d6 + Valour) fear damage.

2. Door: A hole is cut into the turf of the mound. The door step is 3' above the ground level (the ancient stairs have rotted away). The entrance way is defined and supported by three huge stones forming an archway. The lintel is carved with a solar motif. It depicts the sun on the longest day of the year. Above the lintel is an opening like a transom window; it can only be opened from inside (area 3).

• Transom window: The window will allow the sun's rays inside while the stone is blocking the entrance door. (On Midsummer's Day, this would close the door to the pool, re-opening the mound. See area 4 for an explanation of this mechanism.)

3. Entrance hall: A 15' passage into the heart of the mound. Next to the door (2), set into a recess is a huge round stone (weighing 2 tonnes).

• If the door to area 5 is opened: The stone next to the door rolls into place, blocking the exit to the grotto.

4. Altar room: A cross-shaped room. To the north, west, and east are nooks with altars. Each altar has a silvery mirror set onto the wall behind it. The north altar depicts a solar motif. The western altar depicts stars. The eastern altar depicts a lunar motif. The door to area 5 is blocked by a heavy round stone.

• Shining the sun's light onto the northern mirror: If the sun's light is shone directly onto the mirror set in the northern niche, the door to area 5 will open. A counterweight will simultaneously roll the stone in the entrance hall (area 3), closing the mound off from outside access. That is to say, if the door to area 5 is opened, the entrance to the mound is closed and vice versa. This effect will happen naturally on the sunrise of Midsummer's Day.
• Investigating the eastern altar: A burglar who specifically investigates the eastern altar for hidden doors or mechanisms will find that the lunar motif is a button. Pushing this button disarms the trapped stairs in area 6.

5. Resting room: An empty room. This space was once used for worshippers to make themselves ready to enter the pool of area 8.

6. Stairs: A flight of stairs descending into the earth. At the base of the stairs, there are two pillars containing levered mechanisms.

• Walking on the stairs: The 7th, 8th, and 9th are trapped. When 40 lbs. of weight is placed on these stairs, all three stairs turn into a trapdoor that fall 40' into an underground cavern, then close again. Burglars may make a Strength Δ8 test to dive off the stairs before falling.
• Mechanisms: These two mechanisms, when both engaged, disarm the trap on the stairs.

7. Pool of the Holy Spring: The heart of the mound is egg-like, with polished white stone walls and a domed ceiling. A spring floods the room, making it a pool of cold water.

• On Midsummer's Day: If the wight in area 9 is destroyed, the pool becomes a place of healing on Midsummer's Day. A maia of Estë visits the pool on this day and stirs the waters, blessing it. A player may benefit from one of the following healing effects (player's choice) per year:
  • Healing of all damage
  • Curing madness or mental affliction
  • Healing one long-term wound, scar, or lost body part
  • Improving one negative attribute to +0

8. Trapped hallway: A hallway that slopes towards area 9.

• Trap door: The middle of the hallway has a trap door. If not specifically investigated, the first burglar in the marching order can make a Subtlety Δ10 test to notice the trap door. Those who step on the trap door fall 50' into an empty cavern below. The trap door can be navigated by walking close to the edges of the hallway.

9. Priest's treasury: This black-marble lined chamber is the trove of the ancient priests of this place: seven stone jars hold their treasures (see below). A wight haunts the room: it conjures an unearthly mist that fills the area.

• Wight: VAL: 5, STR: 2, SKI: 3, UND: 3, SUB: 2, BEA: -2, MOVE 2
  END: 125, Attack: +6 (+1 sword), Defense +4 (gold-flourished, baroque armour)
  Everyone who wishes to attack the wight must make a Valour Δ8 test. On a failure, they suffer 1 fear damage each round they attack the wight.
  A wight suffers no criticals from any mundane weapon.
  Once defeated, a wight will return from death if its body is not removed from the mound and exposed to sun.
• Mist: All burglars suffer a -1 to Attack while in the mist. Hobbits are beneath the mist; treat their Defense as +2 in this room. Slaying the wight clears the mist.

Treasures:
In addition to many canopic jars that hold the ashes of previous priests, the following treasures are found within the seven stone jars:

• Anti-Ring: This silver ring that suppresses the power of all other magical rings worn. Cursed.
• Ring of Stone: With intense concentration, the wearer can turn into whatever stone they are touching for a turn (10 minutes), usable thrice a day. Additionally, the wearer is immune to any magical sigils carved into stone.
• Star Compass: A silver device reminiscent of the Antikythera mechanism. Using it allows one versed in Star Lore or Artifice Lore to accurately tell the time of day and year.
• Blue Leather Bottle Bag: This waterskin can hold one use of the Maia-stirred waters collected on Midsummer's Day and maintain its virtues, allowing the powers of the spring to be taken abroad.
• 20 diamonds
• Wishes of Woel Laebur: A tome written in the language of ancient Dunlendings. If translated, study of the tome can teach the following lores during Downtime (one lore gained for each Downtime of study): Caving Lore, Dancing Lore, Herding Lore, Song Lore, Star Lore, and Weather Lore.

[Credit: MERP - Haunted Ruins of the Dunlendings]

89.97

HAEDREC'S CAVE. Haedrec (man - garbed in yellow and red, disquieted, sorcerer) is a sorcerous hermit. His father was of Dúnedain stock and his mother was Dunlending; he follows the magical practices of his mother. He frequently has attempted to explore Setmaenen (88.97) but hasn't yet plumbed its inner mysteries. He will warn the company away from the place, saying truthfully that an evil spirit was sent by the Dark Lord to stop the worship that occurred within the mound on Midsummer's Day. This is partly from genuine concern and partly because he hopes to one day claim the treasures inside for himself.

[Credit: MERP - Haunted Ruins of the Dunlendings]

B.U.R.G.L.A.R.s Part 4: Treasures

Part 4 of my investigation into "Hobbits have a Roadside Picnic." 

Part 1 is here. Part 2 is here. Part 3 is here.

Dragon gold 

We must away ere break of day

To seek the pale enchanted gold.

One of the primary reasons burglars brave the aberrations of the dungeon zone is the gold that the dragon amassed. No one has yet seen the center of Smaug's golden hoard and lived to tell the tale, but caches of gold can be throughout the Mountain. It glows softly with a pale green light. 

Art by Kattapulka

Dragon sickness

The lesser rings were only essays in the craft before it was full-grown, and to the Elven-smiths they were but trifles – yet still to my mind dangerous for mortals.

Burglars know how dangerous the dungeon zone is: clouds of razors, underground lightning, solid rock that temporarily becomes quicksand before hardening again. But more insidious is the dragon sickness, which clings to the things they bring out of the Mountain. 

When you return to Lake-town, your dragon sickness rating is equal to the amount of slots occupied by dragon gold or magic treasures. Your dragon sickness rating lowers by 1 for every month spent not carrying any gold or treasures. 

1-2: You get winded easily. Reduce your movement by 5'. If you ever drop to 1 hp or lower, you lose a tooth. 

3-5: You get a -1 penalty to your Saving Throws. Your hair is thin. You get regular nosebleeds.

6-9: Reroll your hp. If it's lower than your current maximum hp, it becomes your new maximum. You lose your hair in chunks.

10+: Lose 1 point of Constitution and 1d4 teeth permanently. You regularly bleed from your gums and nail beds. 

Dragon sickness (as opposed to most rules in this blog series) is a player-facing rule. The players track how many items they have on their person and know enough about dragon sickness (as professionals) to have in-character knowledge of its effects.

Treasures

The Visit did take place, but it is by no means over. We’re actually in contact as we speak, we just don’t know it. The aliens are holed up in the Zones and are carefully studying us, simultaneously preparing us for the ‘time of cruel miracles.’

Dragon gold lets burglars stay in a state of inebriation long enough to forget the pains of the dragon sickness, but treasure is what the Union of the Five Armies want. They want to study them. They want to copy them. They want to break them and harvest what comes out. Burglars call treasures "swag." 

Dungeon zone treasures should be in a black box to the players. Only experimentation should reveal some of their properties. Don't tell them the full item descriptions.

Dripper

The ring market of Lake-town is flooded due to the proliferation of drippers. Drippers are rings of a gold-colored but unknown metal*. They are discovered in a variety of sizes, but most are well-sized to be worn by a human hand. Every nine days, a dripper creates eight copies of itself--identical in all ways except that the duplicates do not, themselves, produce duplicates.

*If hammered or melted, they break down into a ephemeral slime. 

Balanced Bracelet

Another piece of apparent jewelry forged by Smaug, balanced bracelets are a collection of larger rings of dull metal--too large to be worn on the finger but appropriate as a bracelet or arm ring. When set on their edge and spun, these bracelets will spin forever. 

Light Clay

This clay, when fired, becomes hard and brittle like pottery but lighter than air. The works made of this clay hover like partially-deflated helium balloons. 

Spark Beads

Black, tubular glass beads that are discovered in a variety of sizes, from about 1" to as large as a 9" long. When left in the sun for 12 hours, they glow with dim light for 6 hours (360 turns). 

Death Lantern

A bullseye lantern that emits a green light within 30'. The lantern can be completely uncovered, shedding light in all directions, or partially uncovered into a projected spotlight. The beam of light deals 1d8 damage per round to living creatures (Save to avoid), but has no effect on inanimate material. Death lanterns have 1d100 rounds of use when discovered.

Dowsing Rods

Dowsing rods are lengths of metal that come in different abstract shapes (but straight is most common). If struck against a hard surface, the resonance with which they ring is determined by their proximity to dragon gold. If within 100' of dragon gold, they warble and shake when struck. If within 30' of dragon gold, they produce a high pitched whine and tremble for several moments. If within 3' of dragon gold, they vibrate so hard that they cannot be held and produce a whine that is pitched so high that only elves and hobbits can hear it (it is outside of the register of dwarves and men). 

Drinkers

A fungus reminiscent of a shelf of fossilized coral. They are found in patches of 1d4 x 10' cubes, and can be cut to fit 1-4 slots of pack space. When exposed to liquid, it absorbs it at a rate of 10 gallons/round. A drinker can hold 100 gallons per slot of liquid. Like a sponge, drinkers can be squeezed to release their stored liquid--but the rate of release is only a trickle. 

Shrieker

A shrieker is a purple shelf fungi found in clusters of 1d12 individuals. If their conical "mouths" are stimulated, a shrieker produces a piercing, high-pitched whine.  Each creature within 500' must either take 1d4+1 damage or be stunned for 1d2 rounds. This automatically triggers an encounter check. Each shrieker can be activated once.

Spiker

Another treasure in the fungus family, a spiker looks like a sea urchin. When disturbed, they throw their spikes, which cover a 10' square area around them in porcelain-like shards.

Spikers can be harvested with care, wrapped carefully, and thrown as a weapon. They deal 1d6 damage on impact, and deal 1 damage each round thereafter until the victim spends a round to remove the shards from their flesh. Treat as caltrops once detonated in a space. 

Immovable Rod

Hey man it's a classic for a reason.

Burning Wheel

These wooden and metal wheels tend are as large as cart wheels. If placed in a fire of any size, burning wheels extinguish the flames, smothering them within a few rounds. If spun on an axel, burning wheels will alight into a continuously burning flame. 

Red Glass

Peering through this ruby-colored glass allows the viewer to see heat signatures. Even in the pitch dark, living creatures appear as glowing forms. The shape of stone and metal stands out against the ambient temperature of the air. Fungal blooms appear as a white haze. Cold-blooded creatures, such as un-dead or dragons, do not appear in the glass at all.

Prophet Dust

This glittering sand, when spread onto the surface of water, makes the surface tension of the water impermeable for 1 turn (10 minutes). The water can be walked on. Anything under the water cannot break the surface. 

Heart of the Mountain

No object looms larger in the burglars' rumours than the Heart of the Mountain. 

They say that Smaug sleeps with it under his head. 

They say it's too big to move, even if you found it when he was outside of his golden hoard. 

They say it grants your heart's dearest wish.

They say it kills one person touching it for every wish it grants.

B.U.R.G.L.A.R.s Part 3: 10 Traps

Part 3 of my investigation into "Hobbits have a Roadside Picnic." 

Part 1 is here. 

Part 2 is here.

Traps

"I don’t exactly understand your terminology. What traps?”

Noonan laughed. "That’s folklore," he explained. "Stalkers’ jargon. Bug traps—those are the areas of increased gravity."

A dungeon zone is filled with hazardous environments that arise spontaneously due to proximity with a dragon. Some are strange substances, such as the vapours and heats the Earth brews in her belly, but fouler. Others have are like beasts, or were beasts that have been changed by the dungeon. Others still have a strange will all their own - or a will that is an extension of Smaug's. 

Note: Some of these rules are tried and true OSE-esque dungeon features, but I think there's a lot of weird things here, too. This information should be GM only. Players learn how to approach these hazards through experimentation (out of character skill with player-facing information that is persistent for the table) as they try to master the dungeon.

1. Hell Slime

A green sludge found filling storerooms, wells, and cellars. It is unliving and unmoving.

Hell slime can only be contained by stone or ceramic.

When exposed to other nonliving materials (leather, wood, paper, cloth, glass, etc.), the hell slime quickly breaks it down and converts it into slime, so that the whole grows by the consumed object's mass. Hell slime can quickly get out of control in this way: as it gets bigger, it consumes more, and stretches into new regions, devouring portions of the dungeon.

When it comes into contact with a living body, it infects it. Skin, organs, and muscles are left intact, but the slime begins to painlessly eat the creature's bones. A PC who comes into contact with slime should determine where the slime touched them (roll randomly if it's not clear from the fiction). They lose 1 hp every turn. For every 4 hp lost, all bones are permanently destroyed in that segment and the slime crawls up the body.

For example, if a finger was infected, first the hand is lost - then the arm to the elbow - then the elbow to the shoulder, then the ribcage, then the spine. When the spine is consumed, the person dies (if hp loss hadn't already killed them). 

Amputation is the only way to stop the advance of hell slime on the body.

Carrying hell slime outside of the dungeon is a capital crime in every kingdom. There are always potential purchasers.

2. Moulds and Spores

The dungeon grows un-earthly fungus on the walls, columns, doors, and hallways. 

Note: The rules for moulds are from Dolmenwood. The effects of the moulds are new.

Triggering: If touched or damaged, there is a 3-in-6 chance of the mould emitting a cloud of spores in a 10′ cube area.

Effect: All in the cloud must Save or be caught in the spores. The effect depends on the type of mould.

Removing: Each type of mould is harmed by a specific type of damage. Each roughly 10′ × 10′ patch of mould can withstand 2d8 (average 9) points of damage.

1. White mould: Victim is partially petrified, gaining +1AC and losing -20 ft of movement speed. If not cured (e.g., by remove curse), victim fully petrifies within 1d4 days. White mould is harmed by fire.

2. Grey mould: Inflicts 2d6 fire damage per Round to any in the cloud, which lingers for 1d6 Rounds. Grey mould is harmed by magical cold.

3. Brown mould: Infects the victim's skin with spores, causing rainbow blotches. If not cured (e.g., by remove disease) the victim is permanently polymorphed into a random animal in 2d4 days. Brown mould patches spread in the presence of fire within 5′: a torch causes the mould to double in size, burning oil quadruple, and a fireball 8 times. Multiplication takes 1 Round. Brown mould is harmed by acid or water (1d6 damage per pint).

4. Blue mould: The victim flickers with fairy fire, takes 1 damage every 6 turns (1 hour), and suffers a -2 penalty to reaction rolls from monsters and animals until they benefit from magical healing. Blue mould is harmed by fire or by magical healing.

5. Indigo mould: The victim begins to weep uncontrollably, suffering a -2 penalty to attacks and saving throws until they benefit from magical healing. Indigo mould is harmed by fire or by magical healing.

3. Revenants 

Those who have died in the dungeon may be raised into a cursed un-death. They rise and walk the halls, half-rotten, bones protruding, moving under the power of some unseen force. 

Revenants are not aggressive by default. Mostly, they go about the tasks that they pursued in life: slowly, clumsily, sadly. Most are too rotten to talk, but they can gesture. Some can weep a fluid that is not tears.

Most revenants are dwarves who were buried in the Tombs.

This revenant is (2d6):

2. Going mad, will attack

3. Guarding the way forward; will attack if the PCs try to get past them

4. Looking for their wife, distressed

5. Trying to put together a children's toy

6. Sitting down to dine and slowly (very slowly) sipping wine from a goblet

7. Slowly (very slowly) writing a random rumor in a book; one rumor is written every 1d4 Turns until the revenant gives up and stares into space

8. Wants to trade a plump mushroom for something rare and valuable; will become angry if denied

9. Trying to figure out a song on the harp

10. Scraping at the walls with a pick, ineffectually

11. Slowly hammering on a steel tine

12.  Counting 3d6 pieces of dragon gold over and over, stacking and restacking it; will become angry if robbed

4. Weird Walls and Keys

Throughout the dungeon, walls of strange material bifurcate and cut off passage towards the dragon's lair. They were not made by the dwarves, but are products of the zone--they grow spontaneously and shift between delves. 

Concept keys: Burglars have learned that each wall can be defeated by a certain thought called a concept key. When exposed to a song, a feeling, a word, an image, these walls melt away like mist in the morning. 

Dungeon keys: The dwarves made keys for their doors, chests, manacles, cuckoo clocks, etc. Any key that was within the Mountain at the coming of the dragon is a dungeon key. Keys from outside the dungeon will not work. 

When a weird wall is touched with a dungeon key, the key disappears and the wall is destroyed. Dungeon keys are a sure-fire and fast way to get past weird walls.

However, there were only so many keys in the dungeon. Each time one is used, there is one fewer. There will never be any replacements made. And the walls are constantly growing and constantly shifting. The Union can foresee a time where there are no keys left, but the walls remain. That is why the Union prefers to open weird walls with visualization techniques and save the keys for emergencies. Burglars are here for quick riches, and so make free use of the dungeon keys.

The types of weird walls are:

1. Walls of Web: Although nobody has ever seen a spider of any size in the dungeon zone, there are walls seemingly made of black webs. They are sticky to the touch (dealing 1 hp of damage if touched with bare skin). 

Breaking: The thick cords resist the bite of most swords and axes, but they can be sliced through in 1 turn by a magical weapon--the cords reweave themselves after 1 turn, closing the gap. 

Concept key: Walls of web melt away into black motes when told secrets: a burglar must speak aloud a personal fact that no one in the company knows. A burglar alone cannot use this concept key.

2. Walls of Flesh: Some walls are made of flesh and sinew. Some are like a giant's arm twisting through the passageways: some are riddled with teratomas of hair, mouths, eyes. 

Breaking: The walls can be butchered. A 5' passage can be cut into a wall of flesh with hacking weapons and 2 turns. There is a 1-in-6 chance that the blood of a wall of flesh is hell slime. If eaten, the meat is deadly.

Concept key: Walls of flesh whisper riddles. If the riddle is guessed, the wall melts into a pink sludge.

3. Walls of Will: There are unseen walls. Some evil will (the dragon's?) prevents a company from moving forward, as if solid steel stood in their way.

Breaking: Walls of will cannot be broken. 

Concept key: A hopeful thought born of song will break the will that holds the company back. One burglar must sing a song or recite a poem that engenders hope in the company.

4. Walls of Fire: Fires rage in the dungeon that block off passage: they have no fuel, but are otherwise similar to the fires of the natural world. (Dragonfire, discussed below, is different.)

Breaking: Walls of fire cannot be broken. They have never been successfully extinguished by water. Jumping through a wall of fire deals 2d6 damage and ignites anything flammable on the character.

Concept key: Walls of fire will evaporate into choking black smoke if an item of significance is sacrificed to the flames.

5. Black Oil

Black oil is scum that sloughs off the waters under the Mountain. It moves with the speed and stimuli-based instincts of a slug.

If black oil is covered the surface of the water, the water cannot be navigated without suffering the penalties of the oil.

Terrestrially, the black oil is easy to avoid if there is ample space. However, black oil can sometimes drip down from the ceiling onto a random burglar. Each burglar passing under the resting place of a black oil has a 2-in-6 chance of triggering it. If a burglar is carrying a magical treasure, this chance increases to 5-in-6. The burglar is allowed a Save to avoid the dropping oil. 

When covered in oil, each round the victim suffers the following effects in order. They will suffer effect 1 until no longer applicable, then suffer effect 2 until no longer applicable, then suffer effect 3.

1. Eat through armour: The black oil will first eat through the victim's armour. Each round, the armour's AC bonus is reduced by 1. At 0 AC, it is destroyed beyond repair. 

2. Eat treasures: The black oil is drawn to magical treasures from the dungeon. If the victim is carrying such treasures, each round there is a 3-in-6 chance the black oil will devour it. When devoured, it explodes, dealing 1d4 damage to the victim. 

3. Eat the victim: The black oil deals 1d4 damage to the victim each round. Victims killed in this way become oil-covered skeletons (1HD). 

Removing a black oil requires fire or a gem. If burned with fire, each oil can withstand 2d8 (average 9) points of damage. The victim also takes this damage. If the black oil is fed a gem, both the gem and the oil are instantly destroyed.

The Returner faction seeks out black oils to feed treasures to, deliberately.

6. Witch Lanterns 

Certainly these are of the category of magical treasure, but are avoided as traps by burglars.

These lanterns glow with green light. Around them cluster 1d8 shadows which move jerkily, stutter-stopping along the walls and floors. Victims who are drained of their Strength rise as new shadows, bound forever to the lantern that killed them.

Extinguishing the green flame destroys all bound shadows. Most of the witch lanterns have been destroyed in the upper two levels, but some still exist in the lower deeps.

7. Shimmers

Shimmers are 10' x 10' manifestations of destructive physical forces. Difficult to see in torchlight, impossible to see in sunlight, but easily spotted in the dark: they are practically invisible, appearing only as a light glimmering in pitch black or like a heat mirage in low light. 

In a large dark room, shimmers can be spotted outside of the range of torch light automatically when moving at exploration speed. 

In a corridor, shimmers are more dangerous. The front-line burglar has a 2-in-6 chance (elves have a 3-in-6 chance) of seeing a shimmer directly ahead of them. A 10' pole is already too close for comfort: the burglar gets a +2 to their Save but might still be sucked in to the shimmer. The only reliable method of discovering them before walking into them is by throwing objects (like acorns) ahead of you as you move. Moving in this way forces the party to move at a maximum exploration rate of 20' per Turn.

Those who step close to a shimmer are allowed a Save to throw themselves backwards out of its grip. On a failure, they are instantly destroyed, their body ripped apart as if squeezed by an invisible giant.

8. Enchanted Wells

The wells that the dwarves carved into the Mountain have all been tainted by the dragon's presence. Drinking from any of them is perilous because their effects are unknown.

Delvers have mapped the effects of certain pools in the first two levels. For example, the well at the North Crossroads shrinks imbibers for 3 Turns (30 minutes) to a twelfth of their size (feet become inches). 

When drinking from an unidentified well, roll on Goblinpunch's Perfect Potions List. The result is tied to that room forever. 

Waters bottled in hermetic vials can be sold on the black market.

There is a 2-in-6 chance that any enchanted pool has a black oil haunting it each time the room is visited. 

9. Phantoms 

Revenants are not the only way the dead haunt the dungeon. Burglars may bring the ghosts of those they know, living or dead, with them under the Mountain. They manifest as phantoms. 

A phantom is a seeming, an illusion, made out of condensed smoke and light. They are physically present and can interact with their environment, but have only a Strength of 1. If they ever suffer a single point of damage, they vanish in puff of smoke.

To stock phantoms in your dungeon, ask your players questions and use the answers to build them into the random encounter table.

The phantom appears as...

1. A group of rival burglars

2. A beloved family member of a member of the company (living or dead)

3. An NPC from Lake-town that is well known to the company

4. Union guardsmen hunting burglars

The phantom is...

1. Desperate to tell a certain member of the company a random rumour: they treat this as an omen of utmost importance, no matter the subject matter

2. Spiteful to a member of the company, insulting them in a way that is uniquely painful

3. Eager to lead the company deeper into the dungeon, promising treasure

4. Quiet, following behind the company without saying anything

10. Blinding Sound

The Blinding Sound is a trap that is not tied to a location. Put it on your random encounter table.

The Sound begins as a low rumble, barely discernable. If the company is standing still and being utterly silent, they can sense it without a roll. If the company is moving at exploration speed, each burglar can roll to detect the rising pitch of the sound with a 4-in-6 chance (hobbits get a 5-in-6 chance). If the company is moving faster, they can only detect it with a 2-in-6 chance. If successfully detected before it rises, the company can take preventative measures. Burglars carry custom ear muffs as protection. 

Once noticeably audible, the Sound effects any who can hear it. Each victim is allowed a Save to plug their ears at the last minute. If successful, they are blind for 1d30 days. If unsuccessful, they are blinded permanently.

B.U.R.G.L.A.R.s Part 2: Dungeon Zones

Part 2 of my investigation into "What if the Desolation of Smaug was a Zone from Roadsic Picnic?" 

Part 1 is here. 

Maybe I should have called this series "Hobbits have a Roadside Picnic." Hmmm.

Dungeon Zones

Inns are the haunts of burglars--notorious drunks, all. All of a burglar's tall tales are told there.

"I saw the Old Wyrm making new passageways. He was digging like an earthworm, chomping at the stone. The stone was passing through his long body. The changing gasses were coming out the back."

"I heard the Golden One about a level below us. We ran. But when we came back to the Northwest Guard Chamber, there was a fourth door. I told Fatty to follow me, but he went through the wrong portal. I could hear the blinding sound start up - that's the Wyrm's roar - so I dropped to my knees and pulled my hood over my head. My eyes turned out alright, but I never saw Fatty again."

Extra Angles, New Passages

Both the union delvers and burglars agree that the dungeon's layout doesn't remain static. The current understanding is that there are three different configurations the dungeon can be in based on the phase of the moon when the dungeon is entered. 

New moon: The new moon dungeon is entirely the product of the dwarf's craftsmanship: the hall of habitation, the guard posts, the armories, the workshops, the forges, the markets. 

Waxing or waning: The dungeon's appearance when the moon is between crescent and full is similar to the new moon dungeon, but rooms with corners have expanded to add new angles: triangular rooms become square rooms, square rooms become octagonal, octagonal rooms become dodecagonal rooms, and dodecagonal rooms become icosagonal. Round rooms are unchanged. New passages, seemingly of dwarf make but unremembered by any map from before the coming of the dragon, connect these expanded rooms together.

Full moon: The full moon dungeon is the largest and most complex. The expanded rooms and passages lead to "new" rooms, halls, and chambers. These rooms appear to have dwarven architecture, but the art and symbiology found there is dreamlike and distorted. In burglar folklore, these new rooms have the deadliest concentration of traps but also the most unlooted swag.

Rumor says that special days of the year or special celestial occurrences (Durin's Day, for instance) reveal entirely new layouts.

Elf Time

"In that land, maybe, we were in a time that has elsewhere long gone by. It was not, I think, until Silverlode bore us back to Anduin that we returned to the time that flows through mortal lands to the Great Sea."

A notable feature of dungeon zones is what burglars call "elf time": a distortion of the passing of time inside the dungeon versus outside the dungeon. Burglars will emerge after burning four torches and be told that they were gone for four days, or a single hour, or an entire month. 

For good luck, burglars never call a missing burglar "dead" unless they witnessed the death first hand. They will refer to them as "lost in elf time." (You may explain missing players at your table in this way.) 

Rule: When exiting a dungeon, one player should roll a d6. On a roll of 1, elf time has occurred. Roll d20 and consult the chart:

1-4. No time has occurred outside. The burglars seemed to enter and then exit the dungeon within the same minute.

5-10. Time outside the dungeon is twice what the burglars have experienced inside the dungeon.

11-15. A number of days outside the dungeon equal to the number of turns inside the dungeon have elapsed. 

16-19. Regardless of how long the delve lasted, the burglars return one month later to the hour.

20. Regardless of how long the delve lasted, the burglars return one year and one day later, to the hour.

I was going to cover traps in this post as well but it got too long. I need to split it up.

B.U.R.G.L.A.R.s

When people give me a recommendation for a book, a show, whatever, I always say "I'll add it to the list!" And I'm not kidding: I have a list. It sits at the bottom of my To Do Google Doc, where I track my daily tasks. The list is organized by medium (book, show, whatever), but is just a comma separated list in the order the text was recommended to me. Some of the lists are hundreds of entries long.

This is all to say, people have been telling me "Roadside Picnic is really good OSR inspiration" for many years and I've said "Yeah, yeah, it's on the list."

Well, I'm reading it right now. And let me tell you something.

Roadside Picnic is really good OSR inspiration. 

If you have not yet read it (and I recommend that you do!), the essential premise is that several years ago there was "The Visit," where aliens landed at six sites on Earth (called "Zones"). They left behind changed physical laws in those Zones (weird gravity wells, mutagenic slime) and advanced technological artifacts. A class of smugglers called "stalkers" sneak past the government barricades into the Zones, braving the traps of the weird environment to recover these artifacts. 

One of the people who had been hooting about this excellent book was Anne, who posted about it on her blog. In her post, her conversation partner had the temerity to say: 

It also makes me think how it might be interesting to think about a version of The Hobbit where the desolation of Smaug was a Zone!

That is what this post is about.

The Desolation of the Dragon

"There was little grass, and before long there was neither bush nor tree, and only broken and blackened stumps to speak of ones long vanished. They were come to the Desolation of
the Dragon, and they were come at the waning of the year."

To say that dragons "create" dungeons is not entirely correct, in the same way that it's not accurate to say that the ground "creates" gravity. When a dragon settles in an area, it warps the area in the same way that a planet warps spacetime. The result is a dungeon. Newtonian physics no longer accurately describes the behavior of objects in a dragon's domain. We must switch to dungeon physics.

For most people, dungeon physics mean two things:

First, the existence of traps. This isn't to say pressure plates or poisoned needles. Traps, in this instance, mean hazardous environments that arise spontaneously in the dungeon: forcefields, walls of fire, poisonous molds, hell slimes.  

Second, the existence of magic treasure. In the presence of a dragon, once-normal mundane objects or areas may suddenly behave as enchanted: sewing pins that emit a deafening shriek, bracelets will spin forever when balanced on their edge, barrels that are invisible.

For dungeon philosophers (wizards), both are the same category of transmutation. Except you can categorize transformed objects that are hazardous to human health as traps and transformed objects that have neutral or beneficial properties as treasure. And, like medicines, sometimes the difference is in the dose.

And when you slay the dragon? That's just the start of your troubles. 

The Lonely Mountain and the Union of Five Armies

“I remember the Mountain well enough and the lands about it. And I know where Mirkwood is, and the Withered Heath where the great dragons bred."  

One-hundred and seventy-one years ago, the dragon Smaug came to the Lonely Mountain and drove out the dwarves and men who lived there. A dungeon zone took root.

Today, the land around the Lonely Mountain is controlled by the Five Armies, each of whom is from a kingdom that lays some claim on the lands of the dungeon (the Dwarves, the Men of Dale) or the roads used to travel towards the dungeon (the Elves of Mirkwood, the Goblins of the Misty Mountains, and the Wolves of the Wild). This Union sends forth sanctioned delves of equal numbers to recover treasures from the dungeon and further their understanding of draconic incursions. 

Burglars 

"INTERVIEWER: You probably mean stalkers? 
DR. PILLMAN: I’m not familiar with the term.
INTERVIEWER: That’s what the residents of Harmont call the desperate young men who, despite the grave risks, sneak into the Zone and smuggle out whatever they find. It’s quite the new career."

Lake-town was founded after the coming of the dragon by the refugees of the kingdom of Esgaroth. A simple democracy, it provides something like a neutral space for the Union of the Five Armies. The residents have never seen the wealth extracted from the dungeon trickle down - the rivers have never flowed with gold, as they were promised.

Some of these residents take on the profession of burglar. A burglar avoids the guards of the union to make an unsanctioned delve in the dungeon. When they survive, they sell the swag to the highest bidder: foreign kingdoms, rich autarchs from beyond Rhun, or even clandestine representatives from member-kingdoms of the union (who each resent their rivals and think their sharing agreements unequally penalize themselves). 

But burglars do not have long lives. The traps in the dungeon are many, and only the upper levels have been partially mapped. Worse, those that handle the treasures rarely see their later years: the dragon sickness is a slow but irresistible foe.

And the less said about the sicknesses of their children, the better. 

This series continues in Part 2: Dungeon Zones.

CYOA (Choose Your Own Advertisement)

Alas, to be an indie RPG designer is to be both the author, the project manager, the social media, and the marketer (among other things). 

You may have heard me mention this week (on this blog and through social media) that voting for the 2026 ENNIES is currently going on and the Designing Dungeons Course is up for Best Online Content. I make no apologies for shilling!

But, if I must advertise, I should at least be funny.

That's why I put together the...

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Play through it! If it makes you laugh, give me a vote by Monday, July 20th, 2026.